Ditz-Summer 2001

Summer 2001

It was another day at the office. I sat at my desk plugging away on some projects. I was one month into a raise and promotion.

Within the next few minutes, the ditzy human resources manager informed me that the senior vice president needed to see me. About ten minutes later, I was laid off.

Let the infamous job search begin. My mind drifted back to about three years ago. The economy was great and dozens of companies called to set up interviews. Somehow I knew this time it would be just the opposite.

I made a new resume, read the classifieds in the New York Times and joined the Internet job search engines. Much to my dismay, the Times was still running the same ads it ran the last time. I wondered if any company was really hiring. They are not. They just run ads.

Seeing the headhunters, praying for the phone calls and talking salary with everyone from the recruiters to the corporate presidents became a fulltime job in itself. But we all do it. After all there are bills to pay. Once in a while we want to splurge and see a Broadway show.

Every day, there was a new headhunter with my “dream job.” They all talked to me like they were my best friend. Some even told me about their medical conditions. Of course, this is part of their gimmick. Seconds after they hang up on me, they move through their list of a dozen other friends.

Several of the headhunters told me not to worry about bringing a resume to our meeting. It was already on file. Luckily, I don’t pay attention to their small talk. I arrived for the appointment, filled out the necessary paperwork and was called into headhunter’s office. Before I sat down, she said: “Let me grab your resume from my file.” For the next five minutes she searched and searched until I handed her a copy.

During the interview she asked me what firms I have seen. She never heard of several and asked who they are? Her Times ad said she was a big time recruiter and her ignorance to the firms named was like a computer geek not knowing the difference between Microsoft, Intel and IBM. I walked out and headed down Madison Avenue to next the appointment.

After going through the same motions, this headhunter inquired what position I responded to. “I don’t remember what I put in the paper,” she said. Frustrated, I asked if she had a record of her ad. She laughed and said “No.” End of meeting.

Last June, I found a firm through the Times, set up an interview and met with two vice presidents. Everything went well until we talked salary. We shook hands and I walked out. Two-weeks later they called me and asked me to come back for the final interview. I thought perhaps they liked me so much they were willing to meet my salary demands. Again, he asks about my salary requirements. I stated them. His response was, “No we can pay you maybe $20,000 less” and asked how much I am willing to drop. I said, “Zero” and hung up.

Six months later, I got a voice mail from one of the vice presidents saying, “Hi just checking into see if you landed a job, we’d like to meet with you again.” I got excited thinking maybe they’ll meet my salary demands. Immediately, I returned the call and got his voice mail. I left a message thinking he called me on his own volition. He must be ready to hire. Two days passed. I left another voice mail. I asked his secretary to page him, but she only transferred me to his voice mail. I left another message. He failed to respond. So I sent him an email. Did he respond? Nah.

The endless search continued. On one on of the interviews, the president says he can offer health care and a 401k package if that would interest me. I quickly thought, “No, I never get sick. Who needs health care?” The president of the next firm interviewed me for a freelance position. I researched what freelancers charge and asked for the norm. She almost fell off her chair. She said why so high? I imagine, I’m getting paid on a 1099 and will have to declare what I earned. I have to put some of my earnings toward COBRA. She asked if my previous company still paid my health insurance. I asked her if she believes that companies continue to pay health insurance after they eliminate your position. She said, “Yes”. This time I fell of my chair. Bottom line, I do want health care, and a 401k package would be appreciated.

My old firm had an ad on an Internet job board. I figured, why not see if I can go back to my previous employer. I left due to budget cuts. Not poor performance. I called one of the vice presidents I used to work with. We spoke for a few minutes. He said I’m surprised there was an ad. We are still laying people off, but talk to HR. He transferred me. I spoke to the same ditz who showed me the door. She said send me a resume. The group that is hiring may not know you. That’s a lie because I did dozens of joint projects with them. Plus we drunk our share of beer together. She told me to email a resume so the firm could see what I’ve been doing since I left. I emailed it and never heard a word back.

Months later, I’m still looking. And my list of questions keeps growing. Why do people initiate calls and never call you back? Are any of the jobs advertised actually out there? And most important, what do HR people do?